Warkah Buat Kekasih (a.k.a. sajak gedik)

Wahai kekasih
Ketahuilah
Daku sentiasa mengingatimu
Sebelum terlena
Di dalam mimpi
Setelah terjaga
Sentiasa
Di mana jua.

Duhai kekasih
Ketahuilah
Daku sentiasa mendoakanmu
Semoga ceria
Tiada duka
Tiada sengsara.

Sayangku kekasih
Ketahuilah
Hati ini milikmu
Jiwa ini kepunyaanmu
Tiada lagi selainmu.

Sedarilah kekasih
Ku tetap di sini walau apa jua
Ku 'kan bertahan walau diduga
Tanpa lelah terus mencuba

Ketahuilah kekasihku
Kan ku lalui hidup denganmu
Meskipun badai, jalan berliku
Tanpa ragu, tanpa jemu
Karna aku cinta padamu.

Just Because - For My Darls

Just Because you are hurt
Doesn't mean you'll hurt forever.
Just Because your heart is broken
Doesn't mean you won't heal
Just Because the tears kept flowing
Doesn't mean it won't stop.


Just Because you feel weak
Doesn't mean the strength is gone
Just Because it seemed dark
Doesn't mean you can't see
Just Because you only see yourself alone
Doesn't mean there's no one else there.


Just Because you are still here
Means you're still surviving
Just Because you heart beats
Means you can remain strong
Just Because you open your eyes
Means someone still cares for you


Just Because you smile
Means I am here for you


Just Because We Love You.

Masih dan mampu

Airmata tak henti mengalir
Namun aku tetap di sini.
Hati dan perasaan kerap terguris
Namun aku tetap setia.
Kata-kata sering menghiris
Namun kebenarannya ku terima.

Kerana kehormatan masih terjaga
Kerana maruah masih terpelihara
Kerana cinta masih ada
Kerana hati masih miliknya.

Kerana itu
Masih dan mampu
Bertahan.

That thing on my arm

I'm beginning to really hate my handbag. Really. I mean i truly, deeply love the people who gave it to me. They actually read my mind as i was actually looking for a new sling bag to bring to work. And when i first got it, i really loved it. 


That was before the cute little sling thingy turned into a monster that ate eveything i put in it lah kan. I mean, it wasn't really that big a bag eh. My longchamp bag (ko nak la jugak designer name drop kan maria?) is loads bigger kan? My bag is just a simple 2 compartment, 1 zippered small slip in the middle. Not too deep, but it ain't so shallow either. Just nice lah bak kata modern yuppy girls gitu.


Tapi. 
Ya, ada tapinya.

Amazingly, whatever i put in the bag seems to go missing. Sometimes after awhile, sometimes immediately.
The other day I could have sworn I put a my ciggies in it. I mean, i took the pack out, put a lighter in it, and put it back right on top so that when i got to my smoking spot i could, you know, just reach out and take the pack. dah la usually i am in a rush, just to lepas gian orang kata. take a few puffs and then get back in to wherever i was. 


but nooooo.


Puas laaaaa ai korek korek the bag all. Non ado. korek bag je dah 10 minit ni. found my wallet, my phone, my sweets, everything else except the ciggies. I had to close the bag, take a deep breath, and do a second korek. BARU JUMPA. right at the bottom lah kan. HOW it got to the bottom when i remembered putting it at the top is totally beyond my comprehension. really. by that time, all i have time for is a few puffs lah kan? keji.


And this would happen to whatever item i was looking for at that particular time. if i was looking for my phone, i would keep finding my ciggies. even that bagak purse pun boleh hilang jugak dalam black hole tu. boleh jumpa sweet wrapper, tiket bas (tapi rm50 tak pernah pulak terjumpa, heran betul) tapi purse tak jumpa. ada logik ka?


I sometimes wonder if there's a mischievous imp living in my bag. so much so that there was one time that i yelled (out of hearing and vision of the public, lest they would think i need to be carted away in a straight jacket) 'bagi balik barang aku boleh tak mangkuk?'


Drama la tu kan.


Or maybe my bag is like that carpet bag that Mary Poppins has you know? the bottomless kind where she used to pull out of sorts of things like armchair, dressing table etc etc? tapi bila ai sumbat all sorts of things in it, not much la you know, like one diet pepsi can, two phones, mini ashtray, 3 packs of ciggies. tak boleh tutup plak. and weighs macam i bawak bongkah emas.


or maybe, just maybe, in a parallel world where there is another me, just as hot and gorgeous and successful (ko kena la jugak promosi diri kan maria??) who has that very same bag, and at that very same time reaches out for her ciggies. lepas tu ter-seluk pulak MY bag in MY world. tu yang asek tak jumpa je my stuff tu. The other me had that very same thought at that very same time, except she was quicker, so she got the good stuff. *enter lagu twilight zone, lagu star wars bagai*


*sigh*.


I'm just gonna go have a ciggy while i reflect this mysterious phenomenon.


Bagiiii laaaa balekkkk lighter akuuuuuu mangkukkkkkkk! *korek2 bag untuk kesekian kalinya*

you ada webcam?

<cintaberahi> i
<selasih72> hi
<cintaberahi> peng ke les
<selasih72> awek peng
<cintaberahi> u kt mn ni
<selasih72> kat umah peng i la
<selasih72> napa
<cintaberahi> ooo
<cintaberahi> i les
<selasih72> u peng ke girl?
<selasih72> ooo ok

<cintaberahi> peng u mana
<selasih72> ada ni
<selasih72> tgk i chat
<selasih72> napa
<cintaberahi> jom ym
<selasih72> ym tu apa?
<cintaberahi> yahoo messenger
<selasih72> oph
<selasih72> tak tau
<cintaberahi> notebook u ada webcam?
<selasih72> notebook?
<selasih72> i pakai pc
<cintaberahi> ok
<cintaberahi> pc u ada webcam?
<selasih72> tak ada
<cintaberahi> lorrr
<selasih72> kenapa?

<cintaberahi> i nak webcam sex ngn u berdua
<selasih72> sorry
<selasih72> we dont do that
<selasih72> agak gersang u ni ye
<cintaberahi> ok
<cintaberahi> begitula
<selasih72> kesian
<selasih72> sorry not interested
<cintaberahi> xper
<selasih72> sila la cari org lain
<cintaberahi> ok

Boleh kan dek non?
boleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh.

California King Bed

Chest to chest, Nose to nose, Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It feels like more than distance between us


In this california king bed, We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been  california wishing on these stars for your heart for me
My california king

Eye to eye, Cheek to cheek, Side by side
You were sleeping next to me
Arm to arm, Dusk to dawn
With the curtains drawn
And a little last nite on these sheets
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It seem like more than distance between us

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I dont wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been california dreaming


It is interesting how, when this song appeared, we both love it. It is interesting how it is actually the story of us. She may not see it that way, but i felt it as soon as i saw the lyrics.

It is indeed the sharing of lives, yet we're so much apart. And it has been going on for awhile. It was me who could not let go. I knew she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I knew that she has moved on, and has left me behind. Yet i persevered. Perhaps because it was comfortable. Perhaps because i thought there was still a shred of love left. Definitely because I love her. I still do.

Oh, I never doubt that there will always be love. But it is not the same kind of love.

Recent events finally prompted me to ask. I was amazingly calm. Amazingly unemotional, then. That was probably why she was able to be more candid, and admitted what i knew all along. I just wanted answers. If she still loves me, she would be hurt, thus  I wanted to work it out. If she doesn't, there is no point in me trying to hide from her.

It didn't hit me until a few days later. I saw her sleeping, and i broke down. It is sad to think that what we have all these years have finally ended. True enough, it probably had ended awhile back, but neither one of us wanted to clarify it. We just went on our different lives, together, in the same bed, but our hearts, our minds  are on two different planes. But now, i guess we are both certain of where we stand in our lives.

No doubt we still need each other. Me more than her, I believe. Things have not changed much. We are as we are. Despite having no more claims on each other, we are still as we were, still as we have been for several years now. Close friends. No longer intimate, but hearts intertwined nonetheless. We have had very good years together. Despite doing separate things, having separate friends, we would still be connected. And I pray everyday that that will never end.

Perhaps there will be someone else. Perhaps there will be many others. But I don't think I would ever have someone like her. Perhaps I don't need anyone else like her. Because she is who she is, and i love her for who she is. And I don't want her replaced.

deliberations

I can't help but analyse the situation.

 I won't pretend that it didn't hurt me, that it didn't make me angry. I can't deny that i kept wondering what had happened.

Are words that easy to utter? Are feelings meant to be transient? Or was it all an elaborate scheme? I guess i may never find out, or come to think of it, i don't even want to know.

I am becoming more and more convinced now though, that i was meant to be humiliated and hurt in all this, for the things that i had done.

It had amazed me then, how my confession was received with such grace. How i was convinced that it did not matter, how i was convinced that it would not change any perception. I was taken aback at the cavalier reception. If it were to happen to me, i would have immediately cut all ties. I guess i was lulled into a false sense of security.  


But i guess the barrier i put up had its reasons. The hesitation has a cause. The guilt held me back. The caution was founded after all.
In retrospect, it was all these reasonings that kept me strong. 


I accept that everything was deliberate. 
I accept that i was meant to be hurt, as badly as possible. 
I accept that i was meant to be humiliated. 
I accept that i was to be shown as gullible. 
I accept that what i had done is, after all, unforgivable. 


I hope that what happened was sufficient to assuage the rage. 
I hope what transpired was enough to soothe the savage beast inside. 


I came to the conclusion after analysing events occurring post-incident. There was no follow up, no further discussion. Things seem to have progressed in the other direction just as rapidly. 


In a way, i am thankful. 
Thankful that i am still able to walk away. 
Thankful that i am able to see the situation, admit my part in it, and accept the ramifications.
I am also thankful that i have people who truly accept me for who i am, supports me in my darkest hour, and kept me strong. It is in adversity that we would truly discover our true friends. 
I am truly thankful and love all of you. 


Yet another good thing has come out of all this. It also gave me the strength to make an important decision, that i have procrastinated for a long time. It has helped me realise that it is better that i clarify my position. And i did.  So in the end, the lesson was well worth it.

Cerebral Buffet, Ballroom 1

I find that i am obsessive about many things. Eating, eating, chatting, knitting.
Have I mentioned eating?
I've always loved reading, but couldn't really afford it. I used to love scrounging in used bookstores overseas, where books can be had at RM1 a pop.

Here at home, Pay Less Books somewhat fills my needs. Along with flea markets, of course. Frankly, the books are not as cheap as the ones overseas, but oh well, beggars can't be choosers eh?
However, my life changed (eh wah) once i've discovered the world of ebooks.


Oh to re read my David Eddings! my Agatha Christies! And the best part was that, it could all be loaded into my phone! soo easy! sooo easy!
So my bag now weighs less - ok, so it still weighs the same because i've added OTHER things in it - no more books perhaps, but there is still the kitchen sink to lug about eh?
You don't get it? Never mind *sigh*



As with my food consumption, I am a gobbler as well when it comes to reading. As they call me 'Alam Flora' when it comes to food (sebab dengan rela menghabiskan makanan yang tak habis), so it is with books. I read anything and everything. There are of course things that could never hold my attention; certain biographies, war stories - I never got around to finishing Tolkien's 'Two Towers' simply because all they ever do is go to war (boooo-ringggg) - but everything else is fair game.

There are times when i am almost afraid to start on new books. I mean, to re-read books I've read? no worries there. I can read a few pages, put it down, and forget about it for a few days; nay, weeks even, before i pick it up again. Or read a few pages while on the lrt, while eating, before bed...

 



So for awhile I just gobbled the words of JK Rowling

and Rick Riordan, and was blissfully entertained.

But to start on new books? Especially if they caught my fancy, would be extremely difficult. I would never be able to put it down, and when I DO have to put it down, I'd think and think about it until I am able to get to reading it again.

Such is an obsessor of books.
Aiyiaaaaa... I've gone on and on about my love for books, when what I actually wanted to do was talk about the books themselves. *sigh*

Thus begins the journey on food for the mind.

Kary's Knotes: responses to comments

I just wanted to say hi to everyone who's still here. hik. when i wasn't hik.
so before i digress and go on meraban-ing about other stuff, here goes:

Darls: hikhikhik sehingga ke hari ini, progress terhadap azamku adelah: ......... (status quo) hik.
MrsKakashi: adekah burjaya azam tersebut? statusku masih: ............ hik. 'hik' je tambahannya. hik.
DyDy: still trying to get into the mooood sayang, it's comin, it's comin!

parting shots: why have my reading list disappeared? says i hve not followed anyone? granted, i haven't been stalking, but hey, i've been following!
gimme my reading list back!
-fin-

azam

azam untuk sekarang:
1. smoke less! progress: ....
2. write 2 lines a day! progress: .....
3. knit 2 rows a day! progress: .....
4. smile at work! progress: ....

begitulah bermulanya dan berakhirnya azam ku.

Secangkir Selasih 1: The Girl By The Window

A girl sits by the window.
Seemingly unconcerned, she stares at the passersby. In actual fact, she is deep in thought.
She wonders about caring, and being cared for. Is it worth it? It seems that every time she starts to care, she gets hurt. She always believes all the promises, all the sweet nothings.

Why is it that in the beginning, they seemed so keen? All the attention lavished on her. They tell her they miss her, they make her feel special.

In the beginning, she would resist. She knows that if she starts to care, she would somehow get hurt. It happens everytime.

But she always believes the best in everyone. She is cautious, but when she decides to care, she gave it her all. Unfortunately she pays a high price in the end.
Whenever she falls, she would fall hard. She would try her best, gave it her all. But it has never turned out well in the end.
In the end, they leave.
In the end they cut her deep.
In the end, she was left bereft, with only the pain to keep her company.
She tries to stop the tears from falling.

Perhaps she is not ready for all this. The last breakup was still too raw, too painful. She still remembers, she still hurts. She still wonders what happened. But she is resigned to the fact that it is over.

Now there is another. She is unsure. Is it too soon to move on?
Perhaps, more importantly, will she be able to get over the hurt? Or is she just fooling herself? Would it be unfair to another? Would the other wait for her to heal? Why would she wait?

There are times she is too wrapped up in her misery to notice anything, or anyone. But she noticed the other moving away. She feels the loss. But another part of her tells her, 'Well. What else is new? This has happened again and again before, why should it not happen again, now?'. They always go away. Just when she wants to reach out, they move farther.

She finally looks away from the window. Nothing is resolved, and she doubts that any of it may ever come to a conclusion. But she will let it go for today. She is exhausted.
Perhaps tomorrow she would look out the window again and find solace.

Secangkir Selasih: Short Tales in a Cup

These are stories. Fiction for the most part.
Grains of truth scattered here and there.
Stories about you and me, yet not about anyone in particular.

Seperti secangkir selasih di atas para.
Harum semerbak, penuh cerita.

serenely friday

Serene la sgt kan?

My eternal gratitude to sayangs for waking me up this morning. I had a snooze after the call, thinking that i'd get up when the alarm goes off.

10 minutes later, i woke up with a jolt. 

Alarm TAK BUNYI PUN??

Hayo. Nasib tak mimpi2 bagai. Kot bermimpi, harusla saturday baru bangun sebab:

1. I'd be hungry

2. I'd need to go to toilet

3. I'd need my ciggy (ok so this is actually no.1)

4. I've been having nice dreams lately, the kind you'd want to not wake up from, nyehnyehnyeh.

So if not for the calls from my saviour, my day would have sucked totally.

But of course, things would happen to challenge even the most faithful optimist.

Bas pulak tak sampai2.. To think that all this while i've been a staunch supporter of the one and only bus servicing my area. Always on time. At the most pun 5 minutes late. Awesome by malaysian standards,

i reckon.

But this morning? Musnah segala impian. Kuciwa murana. Sekuciwa murana menonton 'ungunya cinta' semalam. I mean, come on! Get over the 'hero dies from brain cancer' bit already lah! There are many other ways to die, and does he have to die in the first place hallo?

Isk. Don't get me started on that. Dooon't.

Back to the errant bus, if you will. Now, to say that there are NO buses whatsoever is not true. There were buses. 4 to be exact. And they were passing by at regular intervals. Thing is, they were going towards the opposite direction. Let's do a bit of math. I realise that doing a bit of Math  might take awhile considering the analytical part of my brain does not function well on a friday. Nor does any other part of my brain. Come

to think of it, this state of mind, or lack thereof, occurs 24/7 regardless.

But I digress.

The distance to the last depoh would take about.. at worst 20 minutes? and i waited an hour. and FOUR busses passed me by going to the depoh in that one hour. SATU pun tak patah balek per? Did all the drivers decide to go for breakfast collectively? Please bang, dah la satu hari ni je saya naik bas, harini la pulak ada perhimpunan agung perasa perasa nasi lemak cawangan pemandu bas? Please.

Just as I was considering alternative plans, as well as SMS-ing bosses saying that i'll be late (meaning later than my usual late), the bus finally appeared. Full up of course. But i did get to sit down after shoving some girl away so i could get a seat when someone stepped off the bus. Helo, harini je saye naik bas ye. Lain hari, anda buleh duduk brapa lama anda mau. dua tiga round bus tu kalau mau. Duduk sekali dengan abang-abang sambil makan nasi lemak jika berkeinginan begitu. Sigh.

Well I wasn't that late after all. Sempat brekfes lagi. Tapi sumbat macam nak gila lah.

But despite a hectic morning, this Friday at work doesn't seem too bad. Bosses watching DVD. I hope the DVD lasts until the time i go home.

Then baru total serenity reigns katanya...

inner sanctum

This is dedicated to someone special.

If you can find it in your heart to cry
Then you have it in you to laugh


If you can find it in your heart to feel pain
Then you have it in you to feel joy


If you can find it in your heart to feel weak
Then you have in you unbeatable strength


If you have made it this far
Then you can make it, a million miles more


If you have ever known what it was like to be lonely
Then you would have no doubt that i am here with you.

nak num

bukan. bukan nang nak. mari kite tengok ai borak borak apa kat kedai kopi arini...

<feva> hye

<selasih72> hi

<feva> duk ne?

<feva> nk num

<selasih72> wah x kenal x apa mintak num

<feva> nk knal r nie..

<feva> mzcol num i leyh?

<feva> nk out da

<selasih72> no

<feva> mzcol skg ekh

<selasih72> no

<feva> 017*******

<feva> feva

<feva> da kew?

<selasih72> tak mau

<feva> npew?

<feva> k r..

<feva> td num mmber..

<feva> jgn r col..

<feva> bye

hik. macam ni pesen ber chat sekarang kan? tak payah berkenalan lagi, terus je mintak nombor. kang i bagi nombor balai polis dang wangi kang baru tau. ke kilang belacan ah seng cawangan london ke. nak?

where ARE our manners nowadays?

Kisah Kala Malas Buat Kerja

Pada suatu hari, satu hari yang agak damai juga lah. Saya berada di 'kedai kopi' biasa.... borak borak kosong katanya. Maka arakian muncul lah seseorang yang tak dikenali, masuk ke opis saya. Terus berborak la saya dengan PYTD (Peng Yang Tak Dikenali) itu.....

PYTD: Hi
K04: Hi
PYTD: I dah ada apa yang you mintak haritu, Tolong lah terima i.
K04: Heh? I mintak apa? U sapa?
PYTD: u jangan la buat-buat lupa i. haritu u mintak 5c. Ingat tak?
K04: Heh? 5c tu apa?
PYTD: kan haritu u bgtau kat pablik. u nak 5 c - cash, car, condo, credit card, career
K04: Heh????? u salah orang kot? u sapa?
PYTD: I dah ada car & cash. Yang lain-lain tu i sedang usahakan. Tolong la terima i.
K04: Heh?????????? tak pernah dalam seumur hidup i mintak tu semua!!! u salah orang ni!
PYTD: tak pe lah kalau u dah tak ingat i. i takkan ganggu u lagi.
K04: ok.

tu dia dek non. 5C katanya. I had NO idea what it was, much less ask for it in PUBLIC??? Please lah. If i had ever asked all that, and actually got it, u wont see me in the room anymore. I'd be too busy counting my c's.....

teenage dream - meg cabot

i like reading. it transports me to another world, another time, another place.
Some weeks ago, i was hell bent on reading Patricia Cornwell. I got started on the Kay Scarpetta series, up to maybe the 10th book? Takes a bit of thinking. and kinda dark and morbid.
One day i decided that i just wanted some light reading. you know the kind you read while having coffee and snacks, or just to while the time away.

So for no apparent reason (perhaps because the books were available) i started reading The Princess Diaries.

Light, witty. But let meee telll youuuuuu.... that Mia is sooo irritating. The Mia in the movies was a klutz, looks awful in the beginning until the transformation and what have yous. But she was endearing. So was the Grandmother. Even Lilly has got some redeeming qualities. But in the book? Owh. Mah. Gawd. I felt like slapping her, and slapping her good.
I read six of the books, and she didn't even grow up all that much.SIX books and she only went from 14 to 15. AND an irritating 15-yr old plak tu. Esh. AND the Grandmother is sooo NOT Julie Andrews in the book ok? More like Cruella De-ville if you ask me.
Lilly? Please let me never KNOW a person like her.
Apparently there are 4 more books that i don't have. I'm not even sure i want to look for the other four.
So much for light reading la kan?
How to quit smoking like this???

However, I've now started reading the Mediator series, also by Meg Cabot.

This one actually looks more promising. The girl, Susannah, is a bit more feisty. I like feisty. But i've only started the first book. It's a bout a 16-yr old who can communicate with ghosts. Macam Ghost Whisperer la ni kot. Tapi with attitude. A better read one hopes.

One can hope kan?

kembali ke pangkal jalan

ok. i had enough of that orange swirly thingy.
pening ai.
so back to the simple black on white on orange thingy.
senang sket nak tengok from my phone. ehem.

the angst of a novice blogger

now that i've actually GOT a blog.. what do i write in it?
the meanderings of a broken heart? naah. too soppy.
the ins and outs of my thoughts? too cerebral. ok, perhaps too banal is a better description.
the ins and outs of my life? nothing much to speak of, really. same ol' same ol'.

but here are some of what i thought i would write, should inspiration strikes (in this century, one would hope).

1. if you were to walk from that International School (what was it, Fairview?) along Jalan Ampang to the nearest LRT, which would you choose? Dato' Keramat or Jelatek? - I thought up of this brilliant idea while actually deciding which LRT station to walk to.
2. my (thus far flailing and failing) efforts to at least, reduce smoking if not quit completely. This would probably take up one or two lines, as the conclusion remains the same. I can't bloody do it at the moment.
3. PMM stuff - reviews, patterns etc etc. Please lah. tolong lah jangan. Sooooooooooooo makcik ok.
4. Book reviews - I will NOT have anything intelligent to say. Bitchy perhaps. But hey, in some circles, that *would* constitute as intellingentsia.
5. Food. I'd need a separate blog just for that alone (wah, satu blog pun lom ada entry yang vogue der vass, berangan nak blog lain???)
6. A list of what i would blog about. hey, i'm doing this *now* . CHECK!

I think i'll go and have a cigarette and ponder some more. With a mug of coffee.

Coffee count so far: 1 (and 1 more coming up)

test blog from phone

inilah gatai namanya. it is not enuff to simply OWN a blog, i'd want to blog on the go it seems. jetsetting katanya kan. over nyah.

babak pertama

i'm on my third mug of coffee. and it's not even 5.30 yet. can the clock go any slower?