deliberations

I can't help but analyse the situation.

 I won't pretend that it didn't hurt me, that it didn't make me angry. I can't deny that i kept wondering what had happened.

Are words that easy to utter? Are feelings meant to be transient? Or was it all an elaborate scheme? I guess i may never find out, or come to think of it, i don't even want to know.

I am becoming more and more convinced now though, that i was meant to be humiliated and hurt in all this, for the things that i had done.

It had amazed me then, how my confession was received with such grace. How i was convinced that it did not matter, how i was convinced that it would not change any perception. I was taken aback at the cavalier reception. If it were to happen to me, i would have immediately cut all ties. I guess i was lulled into a false sense of security.  


But i guess the barrier i put up had its reasons. The hesitation has a cause. The guilt held me back. The caution was founded after all.
In retrospect, it was all these reasonings that kept me strong. 


I accept that everything was deliberate. 
I accept that i was meant to be hurt, as badly as possible. 
I accept that i was meant to be humiliated. 
I accept that i was to be shown as gullible. 
I accept that what i had done is, after all, unforgivable. 


I hope that what happened was sufficient to assuage the rage. 
I hope what transpired was enough to soothe the savage beast inside. 


I came to the conclusion after analysing events occurring post-incident. There was no follow up, no further discussion. Things seem to have progressed in the other direction just as rapidly. 


In a way, i am thankful. 
Thankful that i am still able to walk away. 
Thankful that i am able to see the situation, admit my part in it, and accept the ramifications.
I am also thankful that i have people who truly accept me for who i am, supports me in my darkest hour, and kept me strong. It is in adversity that we would truly discover our true friends. 
I am truly thankful and love all of you. 


Yet another good thing has come out of all this. It also gave me the strength to make an important decision, that i have procrastinated for a long time. It has helped me realise that it is better that i clarify my position. And i did.  So in the end, the lesson was well worth it.