California King Bed

Chest to chest, Nose to nose, Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It feels like more than distance between us


In this california king bed, We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been  california wishing on these stars for your heart for me
My california king

Eye to eye, Cheek to cheek, Side by side
You were sleeping next to me
Arm to arm, Dusk to dawn
With the curtains drawn
And a little last nite on these sheets
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It seem like more than distance between us

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I dont wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been california dreaming


It is interesting how, when this song appeared, we both love it. It is interesting how it is actually the story of us. She may not see it that way, but i felt it as soon as i saw the lyrics.

It is indeed the sharing of lives, yet we're so much apart. And it has been going on for awhile. It was me who could not let go. I knew she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I knew that she has moved on, and has left me behind. Yet i persevered. Perhaps because it was comfortable. Perhaps because i thought there was still a shred of love left. Definitely because I love her. I still do.

Oh, I never doubt that there will always be love. But it is not the same kind of love.

Recent events finally prompted me to ask. I was amazingly calm. Amazingly unemotional, then. That was probably why she was able to be more candid, and admitted what i knew all along. I just wanted answers. If she still loves me, she would be hurt, thus  I wanted to work it out. If she doesn't, there is no point in me trying to hide from her.

It didn't hit me until a few days later. I saw her sleeping, and i broke down. It is sad to think that what we have all these years have finally ended. True enough, it probably had ended awhile back, but neither one of us wanted to clarify it. We just went on our different lives, together, in the same bed, but our hearts, our minds  are on two different planes. But now, i guess we are both certain of where we stand in our lives.

No doubt we still need each other. Me more than her, I believe. Things have not changed much. We are as we are. Despite having no more claims on each other, we are still as we were, still as we have been for several years now. Close friends. No longer intimate, but hearts intertwined nonetheless. We have had very good years together. Despite doing separate things, having separate friends, we would still be connected. And I pray everyday that that will never end.

Perhaps there will be someone else. Perhaps there will be many others. But I don't think I would ever have someone like her. Perhaps I don't need anyone else like her. Because she is who she is, and i love her for who she is. And I don't want her replaced.

deliberations

I can't help but analyse the situation.

 I won't pretend that it didn't hurt me, that it didn't make me angry. I can't deny that i kept wondering what had happened.

Are words that easy to utter? Are feelings meant to be transient? Or was it all an elaborate scheme? I guess i may never find out, or come to think of it, i don't even want to know.

I am becoming more and more convinced now though, that i was meant to be humiliated and hurt in all this, for the things that i had done.

It had amazed me then, how my confession was received with such grace. How i was convinced that it did not matter, how i was convinced that it would not change any perception. I was taken aback at the cavalier reception. If it were to happen to me, i would have immediately cut all ties. I guess i was lulled into a false sense of security.  


But i guess the barrier i put up had its reasons. The hesitation has a cause. The guilt held me back. The caution was founded after all.
In retrospect, it was all these reasonings that kept me strong. 


I accept that everything was deliberate. 
I accept that i was meant to be hurt, as badly as possible. 
I accept that i was meant to be humiliated. 
I accept that i was to be shown as gullible. 
I accept that what i had done is, after all, unforgivable. 


I hope that what happened was sufficient to assuage the rage. 
I hope what transpired was enough to soothe the savage beast inside. 


I came to the conclusion after analysing events occurring post-incident. There was no follow up, no further discussion. Things seem to have progressed in the other direction just as rapidly. 


In a way, i am thankful. 
Thankful that i am still able to walk away. 
Thankful that i am able to see the situation, admit my part in it, and accept the ramifications.
I am also thankful that i have people who truly accept me for who i am, supports me in my darkest hour, and kept me strong. It is in adversity that we would truly discover our true friends. 
I am truly thankful and love all of you. 


Yet another good thing has come out of all this. It also gave me the strength to make an important decision, that i have procrastinated for a long time. It has helped me realise that it is better that i clarify my position. And i did.  So in the end, the lesson was well worth it.