ennui

i've been plagued by a sense of ennui for the past few days. yet here i am staring at my laptop, wondering what to write.

ok, let's try this again. i've had some iced tea, a buttered croissant and some keropoks.and knit.

so, this sense of ennui. i've resigned from my job for nearly a month, and in the beginning, until about last week, in fact, i was somewhat content. i would spend endless days in my late father's rocking chair, knitting.dang i wish i could have that chair, but there is simply no space in my room.

i had good days sleeping, eating, occasionally meeting friends. there are times that i worried about not working, but most days i reckon it's nice to be able to just sit and knit. i reckon i'm finally doing what i want, which is basically, to knit.

but last week. hm. last week. or perhaps it's earlier this week. eh. this IS early this week. i started feeling restless. i feel a bit... yucky not working, yet when i think about it, tak best jugak kalau kerja. there was a time i thought, hmmm maybe after raya. but is that too long?

nix always tells me to get working soon, nanti lemau. memang dah rasa lemau pun, tapi rak ada pulak perasaan nak kerja. so far, boleh la lagi maintain myself.

i think at one time i thought that i'd just take care of my mum, you know. or rather my mum takes care of me ha-ha. but, maybe just help her around the house, and keep her company. she'd go on one of her moods and lash out at the kids of course, but well... i'm getting better at playing deaf. she hasn't driven me off the wall. yet. i'm slowly getting into the routine of cleaning up after the kids, entertaining them and cleaning up the house a bit. but am i too slow getting into it? i just get so lazy sometimes i get disgusted with myself really.

thus far there has been no news about the writing job. i don't know if they've gone ahead without me or what. if they have, i wish they'd tell me so i can move on u know? or should i be the one hounding them? am i making excuses not to go look for work?

maybe i should just make a living knitting. tapi.. boleh ke? i am a 'temperamental artist' at best (artist ke kak jemah???). there are days that i go on and on knitting, there are days i just.. vegetate.oh well.

yarabi. this is one boring post. i'm bored of it already. ennui katanya.