ennui

i've been plagued by a sense of ennui for the past few days. yet here i am staring at my laptop, wondering what to write.

ok, let's try this again. i've had some iced tea, a buttered croissant and some keropoks.and knit.

so, this sense of ennui. i've resigned from my job for nearly a month, and in the beginning, until about last week, in fact, i was somewhat content. i would spend endless days in my late father's rocking chair, knitting.dang i wish i could have that chair, but there is simply no space in my room.

i had good days sleeping, eating, occasionally meeting friends. there are times that i worried about not working, but most days i reckon it's nice to be able to just sit and knit. i reckon i'm finally doing what i want, which is basically, to knit.

but last week. hm. last week. or perhaps it's earlier this week. eh. this IS early this week. i started feeling restless. i feel a bit... yucky not working, yet when i think about it, tak best jugak kalau kerja. there was a time i thought, hmmm maybe after raya. but is that too long?

nix always tells me to get working soon, nanti lemau. memang dah rasa lemau pun, tapi rak ada pulak perasaan nak kerja. so far, boleh la lagi maintain myself.

i think at one time i thought that i'd just take care of my mum, you know. or rather my mum takes care of me ha-ha. but, maybe just help her around the house, and keep her company. she'd go on one of her moods and lash out at the kids of course, but well... i'm getting better at playing deaf. she hasn't driven me off the wall. yet. i'm slowly getting into the routine of cleaning up after the kids, entertaining them and cleaning up the house a bit. but am i too slow getting into it? i just get so lazy sometimes i get disgusted with myself really.

thus far there has been no news about the writing job. i don't know if they've gone ahead without me or what. if they have, i wish they'd tell me so i can move on u know? or should i be the one hounding them? am i making excuses not to go look for work?

maybe i should just make a living knitting. tapi.. boleh ke? i am a 'temperamental artist' at best (artist ke kak jemah???). there are days that i go on and on knitting, there are days i just.. vegetate.oh well.

yarabi. this is one boring post. i'm bored of it already. ennui katanya.

of makcikness and knitting

wanita muda: umur u brapa?
me: 45
wanita muda: oh.. padanla u knitting.
And this coming from a self professed intelligent and highly educated person. pfft.

In our world, where bigotry and prejudices are rampant, against our lives, our preferences, ada jugak yang think this way.

So i was like, wasn't all that insulted, but can't help but think: ko kuar dari gua mana dik? orang tua je ke yang knit skarang ni?

lihatlah adik cumel ini. siap pakai baju sekolah lagi. does she look like a makcik to you? *sila pakai spek sebelum jawab soklan ku ini*

and then, we have celebrities who knits.

my idol, sarah jessica parker

joey from friends

geri halliwell. Siap knitting pakai bikini ye. seksi ke tak 'makcik' ni?

russell crowe y'all

how to be a sexy knitter. Ms Uma Thurman shows you how.

And my personal favourite: 

GEORGE LUCAS ok. George.Lucas. I soo rest my case.

Just in case that isn't enough, the epitome of trend and fashion, Vogue magazine, has a Vogue Knitting magazine as well.

 Yes. it's a knitting magazine with knitting patterns all.And the models are sooo vogue sexy ok. 

Esh. sangat la makcik makcik knitting ni kans.

And i leave you with a video of tom hanks pranking julia roberts.

Warkah Buat Kekasih (a.k.a. sajak gedik)

Wahai kekasih
Ketahuilah
Daku sentiasa mengingatimu
Sebelum terlena
Di dalam mimpi
Setelah terjaga
Sentiasa
Di mana jua.

Duhai kekasih
Ketahuilah
Daku sentiasa mendoakanmu
Semoga ceria
Tiada duka
Tiada sengsara.

Sayangku kekasih
Ketahuilah
Hati ini milikmu
Jiwa ini kepunyaanmu
Tiada lagi selainmu.

Sedarilah kekasih
Ku tetap di sini walau apa jua
Ku 'kan bertahan walau diduga
Tanpa lelah terus mencuba

Ketahuilah kekasihku
Kan ku lalui hidup denganmu
Meskipun badai, jalan berliku
Tanpa ragu, tanpa jemu
Karna aku cinta padamu.

Just Because - For My Darls

Just Because you are hurt
Doesn't mean you'll hurt forever.
Just Because your heart is broken
Doesn't mean you won't heal
Just Because the tears kept flowing
Doesn't mean it won't stop.


Just Because you feel weak
Doesn't mean the strength is gone
Just Because it seemed dark
Doesn't mean you can't see
Just Because you only see yourself alone
Doesn't mean there's no one else there.


Just Because you are still here
Means you're still surviving
Just Because you heart beats
Means you can remain strong
Just Because you open your eyes
Means someone still cares for you


Just Because you smile
Means I am here for you


Just Because We Love You.

Masih dan mampu

Airmata tak henti mengalir
Namun aku tetap di sini.
Hati dan perasaan kerap terguris
Namun aku tetap setia.
Kata-kata sering menghiris
Namun kebenarannya ku terima.

Kerana kehormatan masih terjaga
Kerana maruah masih terpelihara
Kerana cinta masih ada
Kerana hati masih miliknya.

Kerana itu
Masih dan mampu
Bertahan.

That thing on my arm

I'm beginning to really hate my handbag. Really. I mean i truly, deeply love the people who gave it to me. They actually read my mind as i was actually looking for a new sling bag to bring to work. And when i first got it, i really loved it. 


That was before the cute little sling thingy turned into a monster that ate eveything i put in it lah kan. I mean, it wasn't really that big a bag eh. My longchamp bag (ko nak la jugak designer name drop kan maria?) is loads bigger kan? My bag is just a simple 2 compartment, 1 zippered small slip in the middle. Not too deep, but it ain't so shallow either. Just nice lah bak kata modern yuppy girls gitu.


Tapi. 
Ya, ada tapinya.

Amazingly, whatever i put in the bag seems to go missing. Sometimes after awhile, sometimes immediately.
The other day I could have sworn I put a my ciggies in it. I mean, i took the pack out, put a lighter in it, and put it back right on top so that when i got to my smoking spot i could, you know, just reach out and take the pack. dah la usually i am in a rush, just to lepas gian orang kata. take a few puffs and then get back in to wherever i was. 


but nooooo.


Puas laaaaa ai korek korek the bag all. Non ado. korek bag je dah 10 minit ni. found my wallet, my phone, my sweets, everything else except the ciggies. I had to close the bag, take a deep breath, and do a second korek. BARU JUMPA. right at the bottom lah kan. HOW it got to the bottom when i remembered putting it at the top is totally beyond my comprehension. really. by that time, all i have time for is a few puffs lah kan? keji.


And this would happen to whatever item i was looking for at that particular time. if i was looking for my phone, i would keep finding my ciggies. even that bagak purse pun boleh hilang jugak dalam black hole tu. boleh jumpa sweet wrapper, tiket bas (tapi rm50 tak pernah pulak terjumpa, heran betul) tapi purse tak jumpa. ada logik ka?


I sometimes wonder if there's a mischievous imp living in my bag. so much so that there was one time that i yelled (out of hearing and vision of the public, lest they would think i need to be carted away in a straight jacket) 'bagi balik barang aku boleh tak mangkuk?'


Drama la tu kan.


Or maybe my bag is like that carpet bag that Mary Poppins has you know? the bottomless kind where she used to pull out of sorts of things like armchair, dressing table etc etc? tapi bila ai sumbat all sorts of things in it, not much la you know, like one diet pepsi can, two phones, mini ashtray, 3 packs of ciggies. tak boleh tutup plak. and weighs macam i bawak bongkah emas.


or maybe, just maybe, in a parallel world where there is another me, just as hot and gorgeous and successful (ko kena la jugak promosi diri kan maria??) who has that very same bag, and at that very same time reaches out for her ciggies. lepas tu ter-seluk pulak MY bag in MY world. tu yang asek tak jumpa je my stuff tu. The other me had that very same thought at that very same time, except she was quicker, so she got the good stuff. *enter lagu twilight zone, lagu star wars bagai*


*sigh*.


I'm just gonna go have a ciggy while i reflect this mysterious phenomenon.


Bagiiii laaaa balekkkk lighter akuuuuuu mangkukkkkkkk! *korek2 bag untuk kesekian kalinya*

you ada webcam?

<cintaberahi> i
<selasih72> hi
<cintaberahi> peng ke les
<selasih72> awek peng
<cintaberahi> u kt mn ni
<selasih72> kat umah peng i la
<selasih72> napa
<cintaberahi> ooo
<cintaberahi> i les
<selasih72> u peng ke girl?
<selasih72> ooo ok

<cintaberahi> peng u mana
<selasih72> ada ni
<selasih72> tgk i chat
<selasih72> napa
<cintaberahi> jom ym
<selasih72> ym tu apa?
<cintaberahi> yahoo messenger
<selasih72> oph
<selasih72> tak tau
<cintaberahi> notebook u ada webcam?
<selasih72> notebook?
<selasih72> i pakai pc
<cintaberahi> ok
<cintaberahi> pc u ada webcam?
<selasih72> tak ada
<cintaberahi> lorrr
<selasih72> kenapa?

<cintaberahi> i nak webcam sex ngn u berdua
<selasih72> sorry
<selasih72> we dont do that
<selasih72> agak gersang u ni ye
<cintaberahi> ok
<cintaberahi> begitula
<selasih72> kesian
<selasih72> sorry not interested
<cintaberahi> xper
<selasih72> sila la cari org lain
<cintaberahi> ok

Boleh kan dek non?
boleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh.